Finding myself

I am English, British and European - there I have said it. 

Through most of my life I have been actually quite sniffy about the first two. I was in many ways a standard anywhere (Goodhart) who left where he was born and moved to London. I worked in an international industry, had friends from around the world and even married a French woman. I remember going travelling when I was 30 and telling people who asked that I was a Londoner or European. I was a paid up member of the displaced class.

But somewhere over the last decade the first two identities have become intrinsic to who I am. They have come to mean something more than just arbitrary labels that were assigned to me at birth. The how and when are hard to define. In many ways it probably goes hand in hand with my political journey. 

The eruption of Brexit and the culture wars forced me to think about my politics and more importantly my values. Many go through their lives without thinking about either in detail but the last six years have made me think hard about both. I have the emotional and mental scars to show from the time in the trenches and in many ways I am grateful for it. 

That thinking has brought who I am into stark relief. It has made me consider all my layered identities - to pick them up one by one and consider them in the bright light of day. An exciting process where you get to consciously rebuild yourself in real time - picking out new identities and discarding others. But in that process finding some older, deeper identities that you never thought were that important like being British and English. Like hearing some music you haven’t heard for years - the rush of memories and the sense of poignancy as you suddenly realise what they meant to you all along and more importantly a sense of relief that you didn’t let them go. 

My experience has been made far more powerful by seeing so many others struggling with it as well. A large wave of people who suddenly started sifting through and realising that being British had value and the UK was something worth fighting for. Some had known for years, some were late like me but all clustering together from across the political divide. It has given me that sense of community which I think I have always lacked. To know you are not alone is exhilarating. 

I have begun to feel a sense of rootedness - of being from somewhere for the first time in my life. I am English, I am British and yes I am still European. That means something in a world where so many of our connections have become frayed or cut by liberalism and technology. For the first time in my life I feel a sense of connection that runs back from me via my country and countrymen through the years and yes back before the UK through history to just England. A thousand years and more of history which brought me here. 

That rekindling of identity is why I have reacted so strongly against the attacks on our democracy, on our history and on our culture. It is personal, you don’t get to attack who I am and not expect a reaction - and they are attacking it. It is that history and culture which was gifted to us by our parents and our ancestors - the good and the bad. For no country has a spotless history, especially when you are judging it by today's standards. This is especially true for the UK which has stood at the top of world affairs for 300 years or more. Terrible and good things were done - the yin and yang which is the norm of history. 

But whatever has happened, whatever was done, that is our history and this is our democracy and we have a responsibility to protect it. They are not ours to give away. Our ancestors fought and died for our rights and their actions were burnt into our history. Little has been asked of recent generations beyond to care and nurture what was given to them. In the end our final duty is simply to pass it onto the next generation in all its glory and horror so they can run their hands along the threads that bind us together and back through history. 

So that is where I am now. I am willing to fight to protect what was gifted to us. This has a personal  resonance for me as I approach the birth of my first child - suddenly it is being brought into sharp relief. I want to explain the history of our isles, of the many people who come from here, many new and many old. To talk to him about who we are and to show him who he is in our rich tapestry because that will be his true inheritance - to be of this place and these people for all its many faults, failures and glories.